Grandpa's funeral?

I recently found out that my biological's father died last wednesday. I found out before the funeral and visitation. I have not seen my grandfather or grandmother since I was 5 and haven't talked to them since I was 13. I have not seen my biological father since I was 8, (I'm 21 now).





My mom found his obituary online and showed it to me. I wasn't mentioned at all, (which I have mixed feelings about...although I haven't seen the man in 16 years, I'm still his granddaughter).





I sent a beautiful spray of flowers to the funeral home with a very nice note with the flowers, but I didn't go to the funeral, (as I didn't think it would be appropriate).





Do you think I did the right thing? I've been very hostile with this side of the family, (as they have ignored me my entire life), and I put those feelings aside. I would LIKE a thank you, but I am not expecting it.





I just simply want some reassurance.


Thanks :)

Grandpa's funeral?
You did the right thing. You did a gracious and kind thing. People who have been unkind or uncaring to you, who have not reached out to you or acknowledged you WERE acknowledged by you during their time of grief. You reached out to them.





You sound like a very fine young lady and like your mother raised you to be sensitive and well-mannered - even to people who have not been kind to you.





I would say don't wait for their thanks, but hold your head up, knowing you did something that many, many people would never think to do.





It's possible that you'll get a thank-you note later (it took me a few weeks to write to all the people who went to my mother's funeral or sent flowers or a donation in her name). But don't wait for it.





When you do something fine and good - which you have done - you build your own character into someone fine and good. You don't need thanks. You didn't do it to be thanked, acknowledged, praised or recognized. You did it because it was kind and right. Virtue is its own reward.





I think you should say 'thank you' to someone else instead: to your mother, for raising you to be someone as sensitive and gracious as you are!
Reply:Yes, I think sending a flower spray was very appropriate for the situation. Going to the funeral may have been uncomfortable for both you and the family, but you still expressed your sympathy and thoughts by sending flowers.





I'm sorry for your loss, and hope you find a thank you in the mail soon! What you did was classy and thoughtful.
Reply:You did the right thing. Sending flowers and a note was fine. I agree with you about the Thank You. Don't hold your breath. But, know that in your heart, you sent flowers and a note of sympathy.That is generous considering your past history with the family.





I am sorry for your loss.
Reply:Since you did not feel welcomed by that side of the family, and you were not personally notified of the funeral your attendance was not expected. Sending a bouquet and a note is a very nice and appropriate sign of sympathy.
Reply:Yes, you definitely did the right thing. It has to have been hurtful that you weren't mentioned in the obituary, but you've shown more class than the rest of the family has.
Reply:You handled it beautifully. A thank you is in order, but if you do not receive one, don't be surprised. Who ever put the obit in the paper should be ashamed to exclude you. I am sorry for your loss.
Reply:Sorry for your loss. I admire you for taking the high road. Don't worry about getting a thank you from them...if it comes, great, but if not, please know that we who have posted here are grateful that you did the right thing.
Reply:Yes, you showed true dignity by sending the flowers. You can never go wrong by taking the high road. Sounds like you've grown up to be a wonderful person with out them!
Reply:It is ok. Your absence wasn't going to surprise anyone, and it could not have changed anything.
Reply:That was very nice of you to send flowers. I often do not receive an acknowledgement for what I send in memory of a person, depending on who the survivors are. Sometimes they are too bereft and/or do not know the protocol of sending thank you acknowledgements, either printed or written by hand. So dont be measuring anything by whether you recieve a thank you ( although it is proper to send one) The dynamics of your family situation are hard on everyone and you probably do not know all of the details of who said and did what in the past . But you seem to be rising above it all and are willing to move past ' the past' and start today with what time is left. Since after all, soon it will be you and all of us who are going to be dead. I salute your putting the feelings of hostility aside as they only eat away at one. It is good you formulate your OWN relationship with your grandparents and perhaps in a week or so call them and say you are thinking of them and is there anything they need. I wouldnt involve your mother in this at all. She has her own experience and needs in this but yours should be separate. Maybe you will be able to see them.I wouldnt mention about why you didnt attend or that you didnt attend the service, since that is over with and does not need to be made an issue of.
Reply:I think what you did was fine. As for the thank you, it's the right thing for them to do, but I hope you didn't send the flowers expecting it. Don't get upset if it doesn't come; they haven't done the right thing so far.





That being said, maybe this is a good time to reach out and try to make peace. Sending those flowers was a good start, maybe you could follow it up with a phone call. By rights, it should come from them, but you can choose to be the grown up here and make the first couple of steps, if you want to. I had almost n contact with my Dad or his side of the family when I was younger, but started to interact with them a little bit here and there once I turned 18. It's hard, there are a lot of hurt feelings on my part, but I really want to make this work for my own sake, so I'm trying.