Request money instead of flowers for a funeral - need polite and proper wording?

I have read some posts on here where individuals believe it is rude to request money for a funeral. I did not learn of the practice of giving the gift of money until my grandmother had passed away, and I cannot tell you how much the funds assisted with paying for everything involved to properly lay her to rest; as she did not have insurance.





My question is, how do I politiely and properly request individuals give money? I have a friend who just lost her son on Christmas Day. He was sick for many years (and un-insurable), they do not have much money and are talking about taking out a home equity loan to try and pay for a proper funeral. They do have two other children to think of as well and I'd like to do whatever I can to ensure those who wish to pay their respects do so with a donation to the family instead of flowers. PLEASE HELP!

Request money instead of flowers for a funeral - need polite and proper wording?
Funerals and weddings are private family affairs. No family should feel obliged to host a grand occasion that they cannot afford. There are ways to cut costs for the funeral and burial (for example, cremation is much less expensive) which they should discuss with their pastor and with the funeral director.
Reply:I agree with deble. Say "...in lieu of flowers, memorials may be sent to:" If you say, "memorials" it sounds better than "monetary gifts" and people will still know what you're talking about.
Reply:Just say something like...in lieu of flowers, memorials may be sent to: (set up a bank account somewhere to help pay the final costs...I see this in the paper in my area all the time...people will know what to do when they read that.)
Reply:Has the obit been published in the local paper yet? If not it could be mentioned in there that "it is suggested that monetary gifts be sent in lieu of flowers to the family" or some such. I've seen it done before. I don't think it's greedy, I'm sure when people find out the circumstances of the death and the family they will be happy to do what is best.
Reply:In lieu of flowers, the family requests memorials to xxxx, or xxxx.





Some people will feel uncomfortable giving money directly to the family, so have an alternative - perhaps a charity for what he had. A trust has to be set up for living people - so perhaps a trust for the other two children could be the alternative.





A local bank will usually be willing to set up a special account to receive money for funeral expenses. This should not be put in the obit. If there is going to be an article in the paper about him - that would be an appropriate place. You can also communicate their desires via phone if you speak to anyone directly.
Reply:Lately I have seen a lot more people asking for their lasting memories to be considered donated to the (person who passed) fund sent up at a bank.





This may seem tacky to those who did not know the deceased and their situation. Those who were close will understand.





I know I did not word the first part correctly, but I hope it helps.


I am also sorry for you and your friends loss- you are in my heart.
Reply:I really don't think there is an appropriate way to ask for money. If they have family members then they should ask THEM. If you are handling it then you ask them. They should stick together. They are the ones who should chip in ... not friends and outside people. That's just not appropriate to me.
Reply:Just tell the individuals about the situation, and I'm sure they would be more than happy to give money instead of flowers. I don't think that it would be that hard to do so. Just tell them exactly what you said on here, and if they have any heart at all, they will understand.
Reply:They may "need it" but handing an envelope to with money to anyone can create an uncomfortable situation for both the giver and receiver.





I agree that wording such as "In lieu of flowers a monetary gift can be sent to XXX." Not everyone will follow it, but it's a possibility.





While I realize that they may be in a financial hardship you cannot hold out an expectation that everyone will want or be willing to donate - but those that do will most likely want to do it discretely and away from the prying eye of others at the funeral.
Reply:In lieu of flowers, the family request that donations be made to xxx.


I would hope that most people who attend the funeral would know about the family's hardship with the cost of burial. Sometimes "word of mouth", will help spread the word.


Also, if their is a 211 info line in your state, there are charitable organization that help with funeral expenses.


Also, you could try a bereavement envelope.


Good luck with helping them


Sorry for your loss
Reply:look i just buried my brother last month the casket alone was almost 8,000.00 he was tall and wide so i had to get a specially made casket. the cost to open the grave was 1400.00 . the church was 300.00 . the pallbearers were 50.00 a piece blah blah blah the entire funeral cost over 12,000.00 he also had no insurance, no wife no kids. if you need the money than ask the funeral director to post it in the newspaper, many times the mourners call the funeral parlor to ask about which florist to use.... say money.... pass the word to one good friend and tell them to spread the word. there is no time for embarassament or shame. it's not a matter of doing above your means as some snob on here suggested .... everything costs money and to these vendors it is just a business, supply and demand. my sympathies to the mother who lost her child and applause to you for trying to help her. no matter how long the sickness was it is never easy to let them go.
Reply:I think this is not an unreasonable thing, but the etiquette issue comes into play if you approach it as an expectation that anyone will do anything (send flowers, donate, etc.) Of course, most WILL, but etiquette only requires personal expressions of sympathy. The flowers and other things are officially "unexpected" and understood to be given freely as an outpouring of comfort and respect for the deceased and the family. That said, the way to get out the word is to do it informally (that is, verbally and not in writing), and perhaps to let the people you call know that you will provide a basket at the back of the parlor, with cards, pen, and envelopes for those who wish to LEAVE AN EXPRESSION OF SYMPATHY AND SUPPORT (that is, help with funeral expenses.)





If YOU do it FOR the family, and approach it as an informal thing by putting the bug in everyone's ear verbally beforehand, providing a convenient means, etc., then the family isn't seen as begging, or looking to benefit from the death (some would suggest that).





Often I have seen a trust account set up for things like this, or to cover the cost of a suit to bury someone in one, who doesn't have one. A trust account at a bank is a way to make sure the money doesn't end up accidentally in someone's pocket and used for something other than the intended purpose (sorry to make these kinds of statements, but it happens). Setting up a trust account for the funeral expenses is not hard to do, but it does require an attorney to sign off the paperwork. If you or someone else close to the family has an attorney who can do this, then you can just put the trust thing in the newspaper obit, or even on little cards at the visitation, again, either at the back of the parlor, or even by the guest book.





Hope this helps. I think in a situation like you've described, this is NOT inappropriate, and can be handled in a low-key, thoughtful way. In fact, where I come from, everyone who can afford to do so includes a $10 or a $20 in their sympathy card. We assume there are expenses the family will need help with, and that a death either results in not only expenses, but a loss of income or labor. I come from a low-income, rural area, where everyone who can offer a hand does so, when needed, and most of the time everyone knows the situation anyway.





Hope that helps.

Start java